I’ve been avoiding this post because I know the danger in posting updates every time I think of a new thing, which is that I sound totally indecisive and “hypocritical,” because you guys get to see all the complicated crap that actually goes into making a decision, and it makes it look like I’m changing my mind a lot when really what you’re seeing is just the inner workings of this whole journey. Also, you people have beat me down a little so now I’m afraid to say stuff lest you be like “I TOLD YOU SO!” But I started this blog as a personal venture, not really trying to make a political statement or anything. And you’ll find out soon why I’ve been avoiding this particular post.
Basically, this shouldn’t surprise anyone, but I’m reconsidering Orthodoxy. Not because of anything “doctrinal,” as my friend the Catholic priest here says. And not because their stuff on women, because I still feel like I could get past that. I feel like most people who convert to Orthodoxy do it because they “like the emphasis on the family” or whatever, which I’m not really into (being made in the 90′s). But that “emphasis,” for whatever reason, leads to a certain something called straight privilege. Straight privilege, for those who don’t know, is when people see no problem in saying “Sorry, you have to stay inside and be celibate while we’re out having fun and actually doing what God wants us to do. Cause you’re a sinner.” It’s when straight people argue until their faces turn blue about “whether gays really mean it or are just rebelling, whether it’s genetic or a choice, whether we should ignore them or just ignore their errant gayness,” when straight people really have no idea what it’s like not to be straight…but they talk anyway. “Well, Torah says no homo, so we can talk about it all we want!” Laws are being made! Statements are being signed! And everyone has an opinion.
Imagine having a bunch of old men with their own agendas, knowing nothing about your life, but still making all kinds of statements about it and “not believing in it” and you just have to deal with it. Yeah, I’m gay, world; and I’m sick of people saying stuff like they know how I feel. They don’t. Fuck it, I won’t even give them a “benefit of the doubt,” no matter how well-intended, no matter how “liberal,” they have no idea. They see things from a privileged, unaffected, straight perspective. It’s so easy to say “Well, you’ve just got to live with it, sorry, you don’t get what we get,” when it’s not you that you’re talking about.
When it’s 2012 and people are still being harassed and/or committing suicide for being gay, it’s a bunch of crap for some rabbis to be publicly signing stuff and telling people whom they don’t even know that they are “just being rebellious,” “giving into sinful and frivolous urges,” or that they should “just pretend their partner is their roommate,” and hope for the best. While, of course, acknowledging that their life is a big, flamboyant sin. I’m tired of trying to and hearing people try to intellectualize that argument.
I love my gay and trans friends, and they are all fucking beautiful. I wouldn’t stand for this hateful nonsense from the secular world, and I don’t feel like listening to how straight relationships are the only correct ones in the Orthodox world, either. I wish I didn’t have to hear anyone tell them they have to be embarrassed about who they are, or that their lives will never be whole.
I thought for a long time I could just “get over myself” and either be celibate or marry a man, but I’m not going to. And I don’t want to.
So then if Orthodoxy doesn’t want me, then I don’t want Orthodoxy.
Hey, I am long time reader, but never commented. I just wanted to say… thanks for this post. It showed a lot of courage. You will find a niche in Judaism that works for you… and embraces and loves who you are. There may be many great things about Orthodoxy (I am not orthodox, so I don’t really know), but if they can’t fully accept people who are gay… that’s just shameful. There are other sects that accept people of all sexual orientations, it’s a new frontier! Best of luck, stay strong!
Well, this is good to hear at least. Never deny who you are, Laura. It doesn’t end well.
FWIW, I am a gay Jewish woman from a paternal lineage and while I love some things about Hasidic Judaism in particular, I know it would never accept me and I’m not willing to change. That and I’d never be accepted anyway, so it’s not like it’d matter.
Hope life finds you well, and guides you in the right direction for you. Talk to me anytime you need to. <3
Aw, thanks guys
Good for you! Not specifically for reconsidering Orthodoxy, but for reevaluating your bottom lines.
I feel that it’s very important for people to be able to be who they are– and be in communities that acknowledge and celebrate the totality of their identities without making them ashamed or invisibile. While I know there are frum gay Jews out there (Orthodykes having by far the best and most memorable name), I honestly am not sure how they make it work. While liberal movements get a bad rap for being inconsistent or waffling on values, I am incredibly proud that in the liberal shuls I have been to (especially in San Francisco), GLBT issues are on the table, people talk about it, they acknowledge that they have gay congregants, and that they are their brothers and sisters. To me, that sense of community, love and solidarity are profoundly Jewish.
It is my hope that in our lifetime courageous, committed and innovative people (like you) will create more spaces and communities for Jews who are GLBT or GLBT friendly but who also lean towards more traditional observance. Many of the indy minyanim seem to lean that direction already, so I think there’s great potential there.
You have a lot to offer any community you choose to join, Laura. Make sure it’s one that you really want to be a part of– and vice-versa.
P.S.
I will add that one thing about institutional/political Orthodoxy that continues to rankle me is that every time there is an issue about how various groups are treated (women, converts, gays, minority communities), the rabbis decide that they have the authority to speak for the ones on the receiving end– and nearly always wind up defending the status quo. I see it as being like abortion– there’s something very wrong when most of the politicians discussing the issue are men. They don’t know what it’s like to have or contemplate an abortion.
Similarly, the rabbis don’t know what it’s like to be women. They don’t know what it’s like to be a convert. They don’t know what it’s like to be gay (unless they are). And it’s offensive that rather than ASK them about how they feel about an issue, they instead exercise their incredible straight, male, (usually) white privilege and put their words in other people’s mouths. At best, it’s intellectually dishonest. At worst, it’s another act of cultural erasure– and demonstrates just how little they care about their fellow Jews.
Laura, you have my admiration and support.
Thanks. Also, re: Friar Yid:
every time there is an issue about how various groups are treated (women, converts, gays, minority communities), the rabbis decide that they have the authority to speak for the ones on the receiving end
Similarly, the rabbis don’t know what it’s like to be women. They don’t know what it’s like to be a convert. They don’t know what it’s like to be gay (unless they are). And it’s offensive that rather than ASK them about how they feel about an issue, they instead exercise their incredible straight, male, (usually) white privilege and put their words in other people’s mouths. At best, it’s intellectually dishonest. At worst, it’s another act of cultural erasure– and demonstrates just how little they care about their fellow Jews.
This is exactly what I’m thinking. But I only recently realized how true this was, that it’s really happening, and that prolonging a post like this is only giving them validation. It’s self-perpetuating, and I don’t really know how to solve it except to not, like, hide in fear.